omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
