he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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