i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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