He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
