Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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