nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
