apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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