Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
