I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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