I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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