his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
