trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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