I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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