between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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