we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
