Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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