people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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