I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
