Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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