Betty ford says i'm here all night
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My vagina is officially offended.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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