he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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