miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
