I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
