Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
