Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
