so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
