Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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