Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
