Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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