We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
