I will die if light touches me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
