I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
there was a trapeze. enough said
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
