You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
