Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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