Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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