Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
