take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
