I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
