The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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