she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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