I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I believe in your delicious
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
