Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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