i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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