Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
