why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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