So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
