i think my tv is drunk
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I would ride that face into the sunset
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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