Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
