i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
