i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
