How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
