Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
