I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
