This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
