First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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