She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
