i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
