you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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