I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
